This is me stepping into the arena.
I love to write. A day spent researching and writing, with a short run thrown in for mental health is the perfect day.
This is funny because I have always liked to write, but back in the day I had an english teacher tell me that writing wasn’t about creativity, it was about structure. Something I lacked back then, and now! Never mind that I can not spell to save my life, have no comprehension of how to use grammar, or understand paragraph and sentence structure in any way shape or form. You should see the first draft of things I write, so many squiggly red and blue lines it’s bananas! I was also told by my high school career counsellor that I should aim low as my dreams were unrealistic.
So I did.
All my life I aimed low. I kept my dreams in a box that I would never admit to anyone, or even to myself. I felt shame if I thought I was worth more than what I was doing at the time, and felt paralyzed with fear at the idea of doing anything new, or hard, or anything I might fail at.
How strange as an adult to realize that something people said to you a zillion years ago is still affecting you, every single day of your life. Because they said it, and I believed it. Even when I started the card company I did so quietly. Never wanting to draw that much attention to it, never wanting to run the risk of judgment and criticism. Never wanting to get too big because if I failed someone might notice.
Well, I am ready to step into the arena now. I am afraid of the judgment, criticism, and of people laughing at me. But I’m doing it anyways. Gulp.
Here is a couple of things I am pondering;
“You can fail at what you don’t love, so you might as well do something you love. When you compromise and you fail, it really hurts. It hurts even more than failing at what you love.” Jim Carrey
“What are you not saying that needs to be said?” Jerry Colonna
I ask myself, what do you want to be doing that you’re not doing? What are you holding back? What is your wild dream that someone told you you couldn’t do? What would I want my kids to feel like they could do and accomplish in their lives? How would I want them to feel at this stage of their life? And also, how can I expect my kids to be brave enough to go after what they want, if I am not?
I’m still not totally clear on anything, and I am sure it will change and grow as time goes on. But for the first time in my life, I am going to try and step into the arena.